Comedy, characters & controlled chaos.

Craig

A walking tuba in human form who famously faked his own death and once saved Bryan’s life. Almost certainly squatting, prone to borrowing chickens, and an expert in creatively questionable solutions. Morals are flexible — anything’s possible for a fiver.

Thomas’ Dad

A Northern chick magnet powered almost entirely by coffee and biscuits. Tries to stay out of trouble — somehow always ends up in the middle of it.

Thomas

A slightly bewildered teenager who never quite understands what’s going on, but always manages to ask the most important — and inconvenient — questions.

Denise

Thomas’ Dad’s unshakeable stalker. Emotionally intense, romantically misguided, and if she could physically turn into a packet of crisps, she absolutely would.

Bryan

Appears unannounced, stays “just five minutes,” whilst quietly carrying a secret crush on Thomas that nobody seems to notice… or at least pretends not to.

Clive

Denise’s largely unrecognisable step-brother and part-time pig farmer. Exists on the edge of the family tree and the edge of reality.

Tashie Von Grim

Half-Scottish, half-Irish, fully terrifying. Sounds Glaswegian, twice as angry as one, fuelled by Buckfast and unresolved feelings for ex-lover Denise.

Umar

The mysterious man from the boot. Knows things nobody should know. You’re better off not asking any more questions.

Chad

Thomas’ overly enthusiastic American step-dad. Struggles with social cues, radiates misplaced confidence, and enjoys suspiciously frequent massages from Lulu.

Fred

Thomas’ newest friend, who — just like his dad — speaks in a uniquely confusing manner that somehow makes complete sense to absolutely nobody.

Fred’s Dad

A man of peculiar speech patterns who still asks his mother’s permission for most major (and extremely minor) life decisions.

Mandy

Thomas’ mum and Chad’s fiancée. A devoted Barbie enthusiast navigating family chaos with optimism, denial, and pink plastic resilience.

Pob

An Eastern European toad salesman of unclear origin and even less clear legality. Always appears when absolutely nobody expects him to.

Sheila

Craig’s ex — perpetually confused, mildly forgetful, and somehow always one emotional beat behind everyone else in the room.